To miss

Humans do not only miss other people. Sometimes they miss cities, the memories tied to those cities, and the people they left behind. They have returned involuntarily to a place that does not belong to them. The place that truly belongs to them is the one they left behind. As Kahraman Deniz sings in one of his songs, “I was just about to leave this city, to return to streets where I never belonged.”^【1】 And sometimes you are ready to leave—something is merely holding you back. No one is forcing you to stay. You came to this city alone, and you will return to it alone.

When you look into their eyes, you wish the person who makes your heart flutter would say “don’t go.” Even if you never admit it, you wait for it. They never say it—not ever. You resist, searching for reasons not to leave. You want to move everything there suddenly—didn’t I say it wouldn’t work? You try it anyway, desperate to get there as quickly as possible, willing to sacrifice everything you have—but it still won’t work. It never has, and it never will. Sometimes you miss it, deeply. You say you cannot live without them, yet you do. You say you cannot live without that city, yet even as you say it, you continue living in a place that does not belong to you. You say, “That is my life”—what does that mean? Aren’t you already past that moment? Aren’t you still alive? I know your soul is dead. Do not think I am mocking you—my soul is dead too. Now we will try to revive our souls with a new light of hope.

Life has always taken what we desire farthest from us. For years, I believed I belonged to only one city. Again, as Kahraman Deniz sings in the song I quoted above, “You appeared suddenly and destroyed me—I had never seen such a beautiful mistake.” He appeared suddenly before me and tied me to an entirely different city. I had gone there by pure chance and stayed only slightly longer than ten days. But I had a problem: either I would make one sacrifice after another to get there, or I would avoid everything and try to forget the city. So which did I choose? I chose the harder path first. What seems difficult to you—making sacrifice after sacrifice—is not the true challenge. Forgetting… forgetting has always been harder, regardless of time. I tried to forget. I told myself, “Don’t exhaust yourself.” But I realized it was impossible. In this process, I would either push myself to the limit or make small sacrifices to comfort myself. I am ready to pay every price along this path. I will go to the place where I belong. I do not feel I belong among these lies, these illusions, among so many people. I never have. You, the one reading this—yes, you. You too do not feel you belong in this life. Stand up and find where you truly belong. It might be through a book, a song, or something entirely different. Life never goes exactly as we wish, but you must find where you belong to make it go forward.

Do not lock yourself in a room, a city, or even a country. Some destinies arise by accident. It happened to me too. I missed that accident. Because as we said, “Sometimes you miss it.” My last encounter with it was in August, drenched in rain. How could you possibly know what September held for me?